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..."may your pain be champagne," then we all blaze away..
Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 12:19 am just another day
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: sleepysleepy
well.. i was about to go to sleep, but figured i should write in here. not much happened today. i got in trouble for not following up with the carlos rosario account. but...now i know for future reference. kenise didn't call. i didn't call her. beginning of a nice little break. i can't wait til Friday. tattoos!! i already know what i'm getting, i just have to find a picture of it. and figure out where it's gonna go...either my shoulder or my boob. more than likely my shoulder. i kinda have an idea for a theme for the top of my back. man...jessica simpson has totally changed her image. her new video is kinda hot. i can't wait to meet up with peter...i feel somewhat excited about something, but i'm not too sure what it is. or maybe i'm just tired. i don't know. the room share/apartment search is going ok. it's probably just gonna be easier to do a room share. but i'm trying to get the refinancing and insurance out of the way first. we'll see what happens. so..other than that, not too much to report. gotta get to sephora to get some new face wash...and..uh.. yeah. really don't have too much to say. goodnite.
Jun. 20th, 2005 @ 01:56 am blah
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: annoyedannoyed
i guess i'll write in here until 2... so..not much is going on...had a crazy nite last nite at the club. kenise is blowin me as usual...and it's weird cuz it's not just any one particular thing that's blowing me. i think it's just her. it just gets so frustrating...but what are you gonna do other than accept the fact that some things just won't ever change. what else is goin on? school starts in less than a month. i can't wait. work is interesting as usual. uhh...

so back to kenise...her birthday is this coming Friday...apparently she'll be busy--literally and figuratively... we had plans to go out on Saturday but now i'm just like...ugh..i don't even know if i feel like doing that. maybe it is somewhat disturbing that she rubs it in my face about her sexual plans for her birthday..but i have a right to be annoyed by that...perhaps it's the fact that i don't really care but she makes it a point to put it out there..and then has the nerve to say i won't be the one doing it...uh...heck no i won't...i don't know what kind of activities she's been up to...and i sure as hell don't want to find out.. this is just another distraction from what i should be doing-- focusing on myself. and right now..i'm really trying to do that. everyone asks me why i stay around her...maybe it's a work in progress of letting go and with this past week's events, the process is speeding up. i dunno. all i know is that right now...i'm totally irritated by the whole situation and would really like to just be...left alone to regain my composure...because right now i'm wasting my time as well as hers..

so on a lighter note, happy Monday. i'm takin my ass to sleep!
Jun. 17th, 2005 @ 12:58 am spread 'em
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i so want to give the details behind this but i think it's such a great idea that i'd rather keep it to myself..maybe a few years from now people will know what it's all about.
Jun. 17th, 2005 @ 12:42 am Revelations
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: calmcalm
So much to talk about. My job- tight. School starting - Soon. Kenise being her usual self - always..so to get it out of the way....i'm talkin to her..she says that she's had like half a cup of blue alize and she's chillin.. wow..that's cool..i can barely understand what you're saying because you're mumbling...one thing leads to another and we're off the phone. we play phone tag for a little while. someone calls me at 8:40 but hangs up rea quick. i finally get ahold of kenise and ask her if she called me from a random number..she says no..but wants to know what the number is. i tell her, and she says she doesn't know. the whole time in this really annoyingly obvious voice...but whatever. that's cool. well me being me, i traced the number back to her job and thought...am i having de ja vu..how old are we now and why are high school antics still be used? i always thought i would be the one who didn't want to grow up...but...now i find that i'm having a really good time...minus one part..but for the most part, i've been really able to concentrate on me..and that makes up for not having someone else...i feel.. well..it has to for right now. but i'm definitely grateful for the time. anyway, case and point-- i left high school back in 2001..maybe even a little earlier...i'm not going to revisit it now.

i had another revelation that...my life is nothing but floaters...people are constantly coming in and out like revolving doors..it just amazes me how much i learn from people. and even tho some things are easier to apply than others, i still get the point. so..tonite was a pretty thoughtful nite. hopefully it can only get more interesting.
May. 13th, 2005 @ 12:47 am sameolshit
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: blankblank
oh wow. i don't even know how to describe the way things have been lately. detached may be the best one. i'd like to go more into detail, however, i'm pretty sleepy. so i'm gonna head to bed...but...there is kinda a lot goin on...but not...maybe it's just a lot of the same shit. that would be the best way of describing it.
May. 10th, 2005 @ 01:11 am *sigh*
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: artisticartistic
so i've already lost that ring that i mentioned in the last entry. to replace it, i bought her a white gold diamond ring. the things i do. the cherry curve party-- yeah, remind me not to waste $20 a person on that again. it sucked.. granted my company was ok, but my surroundings were not. Sunday--mother's day-- i stayed home and chilled. ended up goin to bed around 7. Monday--crazy ass day at work. first day by myself...then i find out that on Friday, it's angella's last day...straight by myself. jaye straightened my hair tonite. it's crazy how long it is. it was cool chillin with her. she's addicted to my sextrology book. shaan came home all drunk. he's funny. and now i'm home. i finished picking out my ikea stuff...so hopefully tomorrow we can go. i'm redecorating the office. love it. so...my horoscope said something about being especially romantic tomorrow. too bad i have no one to be romantic with. every time i think i've forgotten how to be like that...i always do something to remind myself that i am as charming as i think. that was an arrogant thing to say. but it's true. however, it would be nice to put that to useful use. man i need to write-- i haven't written in ages. poetry, that is. tonite i took two shots of henny..oh my...crucial. i like it tho. i feel like there's more i have to say, but my bed is calling me and i must answer. i'll try to write more tomorrow.
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 12:37 am sunday.sunday.
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: exhaustedexhausted
welll...not much to tell for today. i didn't wake up until 3pm...and then i went out with the cancer...that was cool. met her new puppy, skip. cute lil fella. we went to starbucks and talked for a few. then i went back to her house...talked to her mom whom i hadn't seen in like 2 or 3 years. craziness but it was nice. really good to see her family. it's always a comforting feeling when someone's family is genuinely happy to see you. anyway, after that we went to cvs. i'm such a sucker. i gave her the tiffany pendant back. it was so impulsive. she asked, i gave...but of course not without getting something in return. a nice white gold diamonique ring. i don't really wear rings so this will be a nice change. she looks so cute with long hair. just like the old days. *sigh*. sike.. but forreal, it did kinda remind like when we were back in high school. so after that rendezvous, i went over to the house. that was like weird...i think some shit was going on and...it just drained me...so i left. then i came home and watched tv. the l word to be exact. i love that fuckin show. and now...i'm about to go to sleep. even tho i've only been up for 9.5 hours... i'm tired. and i have to work tomorrow. and i may have to get my hair done some time this week. so i'm gonna take my copper tone ass to sleep : ). outtie.
May. 1st, 2005 @ 04:33 am long.time.no.talk.to.
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: sleepysleepy
ok...so i haven't wrote in here for about a month. during that time, i have gone on a cruise, visited a place where i can see myself living, (other than dc), lost my job, gotten another job, and yet again, developed another crush. as much as i'd love to go into detail...fuck it- it's already happened. but nevertheless, i'm happy. going on vacation is way better medicine than any prozac or zoloft...if i had stayed in maryland any longer, i would have needed to be on one of those...but shit is actually ok. despite my financial hardships, i'm still maintaining. gotta learn how to take the good with the bad...and shit could always be worse...so just deal. i will, however, talk about the semi-crush. she's not even really a crush. mainly because i'm trying to take a different approach and not fall into old patterns that only end up sucking in the end. myyyshhhiittt-- Bobby Valentino...anyway...she's beautiful...absolutely beautiful...and at first meeting, i didn't really think so. in fact i thought the opposite. but...now that i've gotten to know her better...i find her to be one of the most amazingly beautiful people i've ever met. that is so fuckin serious. ha. she's just ...wow...like captivating...maybe that's the word. she's everything i'd want my girlfriend to be...like overall...however she's already the girlfriend and baby's mother of someone else. but it's all good. i just can't help but put it out there that she's...great. and i've only met one other person like that...lynnette...who i find myself thinking a lot about these days... i miss her. much. it's so frustrating to know that someone like her...is essentially gone. like i always get the impulse to call her...but for what? it's not like she'll answer. but then again...all i ever want to say is that i hope she's doin all right. ugh...well like i said..i found another place to live. Miami. more coming on that when it becomes a near project. for now...i'm just trying to do what i have to do to get where i wanna be. i guess that's all for now. but since we have dsl-- i'll be writing in here a lot more often. i feel like i have a lot to say--just in general. not to mention my dreams have been out of control...but...i'll discuss those later. out.
Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 02:23 am No name for today..
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: mellowmellow
so i'm really really infatuated by linda...and from what i hear, it's mutual. i think i'm going to call her tomorrow. i'm nervous...but what the hell. what's the worst that could happen? forreal. i've just been having so many dreams about her...and just non stop thinking....total lust. but it was like that the first moment i saw her. we just locked eyes and i was just like whoa. and every time after that i've seen her...we just...give each other this look...it's so hot. that's all i have to say.

well that and i finally let it all out to kenise...basically that i knew i was being used and that she is so plastic when it comes to certain things.. leave me out of that shit.
Feb. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:03 am it.never.ends.
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Right here, right now...i feel like this...: frustratedfrustrated
a lotta stuff stressin me out lately. today was particularly irritating. i definitely have to write more later...it's weird what i think about and who i think about for consolation in times like these. shit isn't even all that serious...it's just i feel like right now, there is no one in particular who knows me knows me like how people did in the past. i hadn't realized how discreet i had become and how private because i don't have an outlet. i'm so tired of people judging me and making biased assumptions and remarks. it always comes back to, "you think you know me, but you really don't." that sucks. i put a lot of effort into my relationships...well..at least most of them. but aside from that...i don't know. i hate my job(s)- ha. i hate living in my house...i hate i hate i hate. maybe not hate...i'm just getting fed up with a lot of things... sometimes i wonder if people just aren't on my level. i notice that i always question myself when people...question me? but like...how can i put it... i think lynnette said it best, (during this last flighty time of us talking), that i'm just on another level...and that i need to be around people who won't ostracize me for it. she knew me really well. too bad she doesn't anymore. but that's another...irritation. anyway... that coincides with the book i've been reading, Desolation Angels by Jack Kerouac. i so....get lost in this book...like... i don't know. it just seems like.. even if i do think differently, which i really really do-- people should stop fuckin disregarding what i say. like because not everything i say or do is practical or cut and dry...why does it make it wrong? that's the impression that i'm starting to get...i swear if i thought like everybody else i would have killed myself or been institutionalized a long ass time ago. i miss the days of lynnette...and certain aspects of the days of kenise. i miss the bond that i had with other people that i can't ever get back. it's so much harder as an adult to make friends. still to this day, the majority of people that i call my friends are people i've known since becoming a legal, of drinking age, adult. and now i'm 22 and feeling similarly to how i felt when i was in my teens: no one understands me. as much as i want people to, in the same instance i don't. i want to let people in...but i don't want to be disappointed. logistically speaking...that's impossible to foretell if it's not obvious. i don't even know if i'm making sense. whatever. i feel like i'm not living...that's a problem. however...why do today what you can put off until tomorrow-- in the words of homer simpson...i'm kidding- just sleepy. so on the note, i'll go to bed.